death of a bachelor
by averageTM
Summary: "Adam honey, I love you, but you are driving me crazy. So please, before I lobe you on the head with one of your sticks, stop cleaning and let me watch my Kardashians in peace," Adam has a habit of cleaning when he's nervous. Evie has no privacy from her family and gets grumpy easily. Baby Fever ensues. They're getting married either way.


**A/N: Hi. Charlie is literally only mentioned once. Adam is in Washington Capitals. André Burakovsky and Tom Wilson are also mentioned. There's not much to this tbh. Adam just kinda fell in love with his physiotherapist and now they're about to get married. Mostly fluff. Attempt at humour. Dialogue heavy. One-shot (maybe). Enjoy!**

"Adam honey, I love you, but you are driving me _crazy_. So _please_ , before I lobe you on the head with one of your sticks, stop cleaning and let me watch my Kardashians in peace,"

Adam merely gave her a stare and continued to vacuum right in front of the tv.

She harrumphed in exasperation and yanked out the plug of the vacuum.

"Hey-!"

"Adam Joseph Banks, you stop this madness right now!"

"Really? My middle name?"

"Yes, _Joseph_. Now please, tell me why you're so stressed,"

"Stressed? I'm not stressed. Who is stressed? Not me,"

"You're...cleaning our room...I mean, I know my relatives are staying over but, they're not even coming in here,"

"Doesn't mean I'm stressed,"

"Honey, you start cleaning neurotically whenever you're worried about something. I know. Remember that time when you were waiting for the draft picks? You cleaned the whole of your parents' house...and the pool...your parents have a pool boy. And then that time before you met my family? You literally scrubbed the kitchen spotless. And when you were wondering if you were gonna get traded? You took everything out of the closet and rearranged them...in colour-coded order. And the ti-"

"Okay! I get it! So what? I clean when I'm freaking out,"

"You know, I think the maid could actually sue you for taking her job..."

"Evie, we don't have a maid,"

"Yes, AJ, I know. I was being sarcastic. Now would you please come here and tell me what's wrong?"

Adam, being as stubborn as he was, crossed his arms petulantly like a 5-year-old. Evie was expecting him to begin pouting. She gave him a pointed look and he sighed. He trudged over to the bed where she was lying and faceplanted straight into it. He immediately draped his body over hers, burying his face into her neck.

"Maybe I should be your therapist in other aspects other than for physio,"

All she got from him was a grumble. She wrapped her arms around his broad shoulders and ran a hand through his hair.

"I'll wait all day if I have to,"

"No you won't, your relatives are coming over,"

"Yes but they're here for the wedding. Will there even be a wedding if the groom-to-be is too busy cleaning the whole house or sulking in his bride's arms?"

She heard another grumble.

She let him snuggle into her and continued watching the show. He was quiet for so long that she thought he had fallen asleep, until he mumbled something into her neck.

"What was that?"

"What if they don't like me?"

Evie nearly laughed, until she realised he was being dead serious.

"What do you mean what if they don't like you? You're already my mother's favourite child and my dad keeps that cutout of you in his office. It's horrendous by the way, they photoshopped your eyes and hair to make it all grey and swishy. Your fans are mad too, because they simply didn't 'get the real Banksie'."

When that didn't seem to cheer him up, Evie rolled them over, and bracketed his hips with her thighs. Adam just lay there pliantly.

She looked at him to continue, but didn't push it. She knew he had a hard time expressing how he felt, and the more he was rushed, the less he'd try to talk.

"I mean. I'm well, me. What if they say I'm too old for you?"

"Adam, you're 30. And I'm 26. You're making this sound like you're Mariah Carey and I'm Nick,"

"What if they think you shouldn't be with someone who is away so much? What if they think I took too many to the head and I'm crazy? And maybe, it might pass on to our future kid? What if they tell your dad that the caps are shit and your dad forbid you to marry anyone other than sidney crosby? What if-"

Evie could only silence him with a kiss so deep that Adam could barely remember what he was worried about.

"Shut up, you're really driving me insane right now," she said afterwards. "Literally, none of that makes any logical sense. Adam, I'm the physiotherapist for the caps. I follow you wherever you go. You are literally one of the only players who has had the least concussions in your entire NHL career because you're so fast and nobody can check you. Concussions aren't contagious either, so if we were to have a kid, any brain damage, would not be your fault. My family has no concept of hockey, they're european. It's soccer for them. You are literally the only NHL player they know."

"But still,"

"But still, _nothing_. Adam, they'll love you. It's so hard not to. My mother and sister was floored the moment they met you and my dad never gave you the shovel talk because he liked you so much. Even if my relatives don't like you, who cares?"

"They're your family. You love your family. And you always have every event together,"

"Yes but I love you more. We can have our own events. Don't you get it, Adam? You're...it. I don't care what anyone else says. I love you to the ends of the earth, and the entire galaxy could never contain how much I love you,"

She had him floored. He smiled at her, the special smile that she loved so much and made her heart feel so light.

"You're not so bad, either,"

She slapped his chest and rolled her eyes. "For a moment I thought you were getting cold feet there."

"Never,"

"Good," she said pointedly, squashing his face and kissing his pursed lips. "Besides, we can just move really far away if they hate you. I didn't marry an NHL player for nothing. Cash money, bro."

"Stop calling me bro! We're literally about to be wed in a few days," he rolled his eyes when she apologised but added another 'bro' for good measure. "And damn, I knew you were a gold digger. Should've listened to the press."

"Yes and I definitely have 2 other secret boyfriends from Alaska, whom I run back to when I'm not at the games. But don't worry. You're my favourite boy toy,"

"And that's purely because of the money, right?"

"I am offended that you would think that way!" she gasped. "Obviously for your looks too, duh. What, you expect me to get with an ugly tosser with a face like mine? I have standards!"

"Alright, what else did you get with me for other than my salary and dashingly rugged face?"

She gave him a mischievous look, the one where she was about to say something that might embarrass him.

"Publicity. To be famous. Sponsors, they're a great way to earn some cash. And your houses. And have you looked into a mirror? Definitely for your hot bod and your huge c-"

Adam slapped his hand over her mouth. "Behave. Your parents are literally in the room beside ours. This house my parents got is big but the walls are paper thin."

"I was gonna say car!"

"Cheeky,"

"You love it," she grinned. "And plus, they might not even be in the room. This house is huge."

Just as she said that, they heard a thud from next door and a hushed voice.

Evie sighed, and Adam flushed in embarrassment.

"Mom, we can hear you,"

"Did someone say Mom? Did you hear that Ron? I heard Mom,"

"Lily, your ear is pressed against the wall, admit it,"

"Traitor!"

Evie huffed in annoyance and rolled off of him, exclaiming that _this family needs to talk about privacy and God, so help me, it will be instilled_.

Adam rubbed a hand over his face, trying to get his blush to go down. He loved his future mother-in-law, and he looked up to his future father-in-law more than he looked up to Coach Bombay (which says a lot) but he can't help to feel that they're out to embarrass him.

Adam lay still as he heard his fiancée go off on her parents. He heard the tell tale indignant squawk of Evie whenever someone said something embarrassing to her and a gasp of "Mum!". He would never admit it to anyone other than Evie that it really got him going when her accent got thicker whenever she got mad, emotional, was tired, or was drunk off her wits. (It's especially bad when she's crying in his arms and he couldn't keep it in his pants).

He was about to get up and calm her down when his mother-in-law poked her head into his room.

"Hello Adam, dear, I told Baby that I'd come here and apologise for 'infringing on hers and your privacy' as she called it. So. I'm sorry," she said she shook her head vehemently with a grin that reminded him too much of his beloved.

"I...that's alright," he laughed. To be honest, he couldn't care less. He knew wholeheartedly that she loved him regardless, as though she herself had given birth to him, and he loved her right back, almost as much as he loved his own mother.

"Also, love, I will refrain from further listening in on any conversations in the future...No promises,"

"MUM!" Evie cried from far away. Adam chuckled.

"Oh bother, I'll try my best, okay?"

"Okay," Adam nodded, grinning at the wink she sent his way.

"And," she began, giving another mischievous grin. "Baby was definitely _not_ talking about your car."

He couldn't control his laughter even if he tried, as Evie berated her mother exasperatedly.

"When are you planning on having kids? And how many?" Evie heard her cousin ask.

"I personally would like to have as many as possible, and as soon as possible, but the future-Mrs said it was a little too ambitious," Adam laughed. "I have to grudgingly agree though, playoffs season is crazy, and I want to be there every step of the way."

Evie smiled and turned to greet other members of her family. Adam had always wanted a big family, being an only child. Despite her not wanting them immediately, she knew whenever they did have children, she had nothing to worry about.

"Well, I think you'll be wonderful. Little Charles doesn't usually take to strangers, but he seems to like you,"

"Does he? He's my little buddy, isn't he?"

Evie turned, wanting to always have blackmail on her fiancé, and whipped out her phone. Maybe she should send the Caps a little video of their favourite Banksy using his special baby voice. She was fully prepared to take the blame.

"Look at these cheeks!" he continued.

She was not prepared, however, for the sudden wave of Baby Fever that hit her as she watched her fiancé in his soft white t-shirt, carrying her beautiful little chubby baby nephew with wispy blonde curls and a gummy smile. Her cousin was right; little Charles took some time to let others carry him. It took even you, who everyone thought was a master a baby handling, a few weeks of making him giggle to allow you to carry him. Adam was the only exception, and Charlie reached for him as soon as Adam had made him laugh.

"Hey! Look who it is! It's Aunty Evie!" Adam beamed at her as he took Charlie's little hand to wave at Evie.

How very _dare_ he.

 _With his, stupid fitting white t-shirt and that stupid look of adoration in his eyes and his stupid blue eyes and his stupid face and his stupid perfectly sculpted ja-_

"Baby? You okay?" Adam asked, confused. Charlie was busy gnawing on his chin.

Evie had never felt so attacked in her life.

"Could I borrow him for a moment?" she asked her cousin sweetly, bopping Charlie's nose to make him giggle.

"Of course," he said with a knowing smirk. She gave him a look that said 'not one word from you'.

She then proceeded to drag her fiancé all the way up to their room, closing the door and pushing him against the wall next to it.

"How dare you!"

Adam blinked, a bemused expression taking over his features. Evie just wanted to snog him senseless.

"You think, you can just, walk around, with a baby, looking fit as hell? No! You don't get to do that! You don't get to make me feel that way!"

"What? Baby, calm down," Adam said soothingly, cupping her face with his ridiculously large hands. "Feel like what? Did I make you upset?"

"Yes!" she whined. "You don't get to carry around babies and make me feel like I want to lock you up in this room for 9 days straight so that we can have like 50 babies!"

Adam's face remained in the bemused expression until the realisation hit him.

"Oh."

"Yes, _oh_ ,"

"I don't think it works like that, babe," he said with a smirk. "What happened to waiting for a bit?"

"You carrying babies happened! It's all your fault!"

Adam laughed, kissing her forehead gently.

"We'll have babies whenever you want to, okay? If it happens then so be it. I'll take time off or whatever. Charlie said they're looking for coaches right now, I could take a job there for the time being,"

"No! You love playing hockey! With the Caps! If you take time off, your position will be at risk. I'm not taking you away from something you love, Adam,"

"But _you_ are something, or well, someone, that I love. One of the most important people in my life, at that. And I love you so much and I'm going to love all of our 50 kids. If I can't have hockey, at least I'll have you,"

"I want to punch you right now, because you are _too_ much," she said, entirely too fond of him. "But we'll see. I mean, I'm not going to be crippled once I'm pregnant. Also, who else am I going to get cash from if you quit hockey?"

"Cheeky,"

"You love it,"

"That, I do," he smiled and kissed the top of her head. "Also, 50 babies?"

She rolled her eyes, wrapping her arms around his broad shoulders. "It was the baby fever talking."

"I mean, I wanted a hundred, but I guess I can settle for 50," he teased, resting his forehead on hers. "So, 5?"

"What am I, a factory?! Absolutely not! 2!"

"C'mon babe, 4?"

"3, and then you're getting a vasectomy,"

Adam laughed. "And a dog and 2 cats?"

"Yes, most definitely."

"Okay. Everything for you."

"Okay. This is not fair. _You_ can't give me a lecture about holding babies when you're around and now look at you!" Adam hissed after he pulled her to the kitchen.

"Hush, only 2 more days to the wedding. Babies make me happy and hence, if no one wants me to become bride-zilla, I am carrying every single baby that arrives,"

"This baby fever thing, works both ways, honey. Not helping with our decision of the month-long abstinence before the wedding," her murmured, running his hands up and down her sides.

"Excuse me, you decided on that! I wanted no part of it," she said indignantly.

"You guys didn't have sex for nearly a month? No wonder you've been so crabby lately, Baby,"

The two whipped their heads around to see Evie's sister looking too smug at them. Adam flushed in embarrassment and hid his face at the junction where Evie's shoulder met her neck.

"Sissy! Get out of here!" Evie groaned. "This whole family needs an intervention. We need _privacy_. Do you know what that is?"

"'Course, Baby. Just that this family doesn't see the need for it. Now, please move, you're blocking the way to the fridge. Great-aunt Muriel keeps asking me when I'm going to get married. I need something stronger than this wine to deal with it," Ellie mutters begrudgingly as she moved around them. "Also, Buddy…Why on _Earth_ did you even make that call? A _month_? Oh God."

Adam wanted to die.

"I mean," Ellie continued. "It's not like Baby's a virgin. Her dress isn't even white, so nobody's going to think she is."

"Oh my God, just take your vodka and leave!"

"Alright, alright, Jesus. Hey Adam, is Burky by any chance coming to the wedding?"

"Sissy, he's 22," Evie said incredulously.

"I am aware of that, yes,"

"You're 33,"

"And smashing it,"

"What happened to only dating men at least 3 years older than you?"

"Burky happened," Ellie said simply as she sipped on her concoction of mixed alcoholic drinks. "So is he…you know?"

"Coming, you mean?" Adam asked.

"Oh, if I get to him, he _definitely_ is,"

Adam had to stifle his laughter when Evie groaned again and buried her face into his chest.

"I meant, is he, you know… _Boring_?"

"Uh? No? He's pretty funny I guess, like, he mes-"

"She's asking if he's attached, Adam," Evie sighed and detached herself from him, opening the fridge.

"Oh," he blinked. "No, not that I know of. I mean, the guys always tease him and Wilson about being secret lovers."

"Oooooh, I've always wanted to be in a threesome! And Wilson is well _fit_!"

A loud thump was heard from where Evie was.

"Oh, my God, no having threesomes with _any_ of Adam's team mates, Sissy!" Evie reprimanded her sister as she slammed the fridge door shut.

At this, Adam couldn't help but to laugh along with Ellie.

"Don't have to take it out on the rest of us when you haven't had any in a month," Ellie teased. She reached over the counter to give her sister a kiss on the cheek. "Ok, fine Baby, no threesomes with any of Bud's team mates."

" _Thank you_ ," Evie sighed, leaning her head on her sister's shoulder as she opened a small tub of yoghurt.

"I'll just shag them separately then!" Ellie said cheekily and ran away, carefully avoiding Evie's hands that were already out to smack her sister.

Adam laughed again and approached his _beautiful and wonderful_ fiancée who had her arms on her hips, shaking her head in fondness. He pulled her to him, holding her tight and placing a kiss on her head again when she wrapped her arms around his waist.

"Are you sure you still want to marry me? When you have to deal with this whole family who has no concept of personal privacy and with insatiable libido?"

"I've never been more sure of anything in my whole life."


End file.
